


I know what i want to do

by DODO24



Series: I should have known [5]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-11 19:03:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20551169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DODO24/pseuds/DODO24
Summary: 5th part of the "i should have known series."Christen goes through her nightmare again, she knows what she wants and needs to do this time, with Tobin's help she battles her way through it.Chapter 1: Christen tries to challenge herself, a day that started off innocent and fun ends in a nightmare.Chapter 2: Christen does a rape kit, Tobin doesn't leave her side. Later she helps Christen feel clean, doing exactly what she wished she could have done for her after OrlandoChapter 3: Christen wakes up the morning after and is surprised by how good she feels. Pinoe and Kelley come by and keep her distracted before meeting with Dana and the police. Ali and Ash come by later as well, they end the day just like Christen wants to.





	1. It is going to rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen tries to challenge herself, a day that started off innocent and fun ends in a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING  
This is hard to write but it is part of a fic that will lead to Christen reporting the crimes committed to the police. I will explain my choices in the end notes.

_She saw the man coming from a distance, he was walking straight towards her which wasn’t easy with the amount of people in the small space. She felt his eyes on her, she immediately felt uncomfortable, his eyes were aggressive, as was his way of approaching her._

She had been on her way back from Dana, she remembered Tobin saying to her to take the car, “it is going to rain babe.” Christen had given her a doubtful look, the sky was clear blue and the sun was shining, “I will be fine.” Tobin had given her a look that told her that when she got home that afternoon with even a drop of rain on her she would get a playful “I told you so.”

The session had been great, they had discussed the progress Tobin and her had made with the lists and had made plans to skype during the upcoming camp in Philly. Dana wouldn’t be going with her, it wasn’t necessary. Christen felt secure enough and the whole group would be at camp. They all had spoken with Dana individually and got some helpful advice in how to help Christen. Of course, Dana would be available for emergencies, but Christen hoped she didn’t have to make that call, she was doing well.

On her way home she discovered that Tobin would indeed get to tell her “I told you so.” The sky opened up suddenly making her and everyone around her run for cover. It was ridiculous really, she was a soccer player, she could brave some rain she told herself. One foot outside however told her that being a soccer player wearing a uniform and cleats was very different to wearing a lose skirt and heels.

That’s how she found herself in a small bar waiting for it to stop raining. Being around a lot of people still made her nervous but she decided that this probably was good practice. She was going to be in the Olympics in a couple months, can’t hide from the crowds over there so why not brave it out for now right?

She didn’t move from the exit, thinking that this was enough practice for today, she was just going to wait for the rain to stop and leave.

That’s when she felt the eyes on her from across the bar. He looked to be in his mid-twenties, she guessed he was around 6’2, blond hair, piercing blue eyes, most women would probably find him attractive.

When she saw him approach her she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, she didn’t want this. She considered just going out in the rain but before she could leave he was already next to her. “Hey cutie, what are you doing here all alone?” She was beyond nervous but found a way to answer, “just waiting out the rain.” She surprised herself with how steady her voice was, “well then I guess it’s my lucky day?” she looked away from him hoping he would just stop talking, “do you know why it’s my lucky day?” She felt herself shake her head, she immediately hated herself for responding, “because I just ran into the hottest girl I have ever met.” He sounded proud of his pick-up line, Christen gathered her courage, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested.”

For a moment she thought he would just back off since he didn’t respond. That was until she felt his hand on her hip and his lips in her ear, “I don’t really care what you’re interested in because I will make you like it anyway.” Christens breath got stuck in her throat, she pushed his hand away and half ran out of the bar.

Immediately after he grabbed her again, Christen knew she had made a big mistake in her panic. She had left the safety of a crowded bar full of people who could help her and walked into an empty and dark street. She felt him push her against the outside wall of the bar and kiss her, she moved her mouth from side to side to stay out of his reach.

She felt the back of his hand hit her across her face before the same hand grabbed her jaw forcing his mouth on hers. His other hand was pushing her skirt up and pulling her underwear down. She could feel his erection against her leg, his hand now moving to the zipper of his jeans, she struggled against him, trying to fight her way out from under him.

She felt his erection against her thigh, he had grabbed both her wrists with one hand. She was still fighting him, but it was hopeless, he was too big and strong, there was nothing she could do. She screamed when she felt him enter her, he thrusted into her with force, she could just feel pain.

Right when she had almost given up she felt him being pulled off her, she didn’t open her eyes until she felt someone hoist up her underwear and fix her skirt. When she did open her eyes, she saw him lying on the ground, three men on top of him, a woman was next to her trying to keep her from falling to the ground.

She heard people talk to her, but she couldn’t answer. She didn’t know how long she stood against that wall being held up by a stranger. She saw police come and grab him and she saw a paramedic coming towards her.

The paramedic started talking to her, she had a nice face, but she couldn’t speak. She saw the paramedic grab her phone, scroll through it and make a call. She had no concept of time but at some point she was moved away from the wall and taken inside the bar, it was warmer there. She was sat down on a chair while the paramedic checked her over, she let it happen. Someone put a glass of water in front of her, she wanted to drink, she was thirsty, but she couldn't get her arms to move.

She didn’t look up when the doors to the bar were barged open, she only looked up when she was surrounded by the smell of home.

Tobin had been at home when the paramedic called, she had insisted Christen put her number as her emergency contact after Orlando. She ran all the way to the bar; she was stopped by the police blocking the path into the bar, but they let her through when she gave her name.

When she entered the bar, she saw Christen sitting on a chair, a blanket secured around her shoulders. Christens expressions and eyes reminded her of that night at camp, the night she had her flashback. Tobin knew what she had to do at least.

She saw Tobin’s face, she smelled something that was uniquely Tobin and she could hear her voice, it was the only voice that made sense. “I’m here, you’re safe now Chris, no one can hurt you now.”

She felt Tobin pull her into her arms, her hoodie was a bit wet from the rain, but it still smelled like Tobin. She buried her face into her shoulder, hearing Tobin whispering the same thing over and over again. She felt a sob leave her mouth and once she let out one she couldn’t stop them anymore. She couldn’t stop crying once she started, she felt Tobin hold onto her, softly rocking her while she kept whispering the same words over and over again.

She still didn’t have a concept of time, but it felt like hours before she lifted her head of Tobin’s hoodie. Her eyes hurt from crying; she was trying to control her breathing. Tobin made her look up, her eyes were soft and comforting, “can you tell me what color my eyes are Chris?” Chris looked intently as if she had to check, “brown, always brown.” Tobin gave her a little smile, “good job, now tell me how many roses are on my hoodie.” Christen leaned back a bit, moving her fingers over her hoodie to count, “6.” Tobin gave her another smile, “that’s right, now can you count my fingers for me?” Christen grabbed her hands, moving her fingers over each of Tobin’s fingers, “10.”

“Good job baby,” Tobin kissed her cheek but didn’t let go of her, “do you feel a little better.” She nodded after noticing that her breathing had stabilized and she felt more in control of her surroundings. She put her head on Tobin’s shoulder, letting out a deep breath.

Christen looked around for the first time she was brought into the bar, she saw a cop standing at the door, a police car outside and the paramedic with the nice face was sitting a couple tables away from them.

“Could she maybe come over to check you over?” Tobin had pointed at the paramedic, Christen looked at, the paramedic gave her a warm smile. “I guess, but don’t leave,” Christen felt the fear creep up on her, “I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.” Christen felt another kiss being pressed to her cheek, she leaned into it.

Tobin had waved the Paramedic over, she slowly made her way over, stopping a couple feet away from her. “Hello Christen, my name is Danielle but you can call me Dani if you want to,” she gave her another warm smile. “Hi Dani,” Christen had whispered it but Dani could understand her.

“I’m very sorry for what happened to you and I promise you that I’m not going to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I would like to ask you some questions and maybe check you for injuries, but you can say no whenever you need to. If you say no, I will stop and back off, can you trust me on that?” Christen swallowed before looking at Tobin, who gave her an encouraging smile.

“What if I can’t say no?” Christen didn’t know if she was capable of forming words if she was going to examine her. “Do you think you could shake your head or push me away if you’re uncomfortable?” Christen thought about that, “I think so.” Dani gave her another smile, “that’s good, will it help if I ask you if I can continue every time I have to move or do something new?” Christen felt Tobin press another kiss to her cheek, it made her smile a little bit, “That helps I think.” Dani gave her another smile, “that’s good, now first question I want to ask is where you want to start? We can start by just talking or I can start by checking for injuries.”

It took Christen awhile to decide, neither sounded appealing but her head did begin to hurt so she figured she did have injuries. “Checking for injuries I guess,” Dani grabbed a bag when she heard Christen say that, “can I come closer Christen?” Christen nodded, she was glad Dani asked even it was a given that she needed to get closer than a few feet to check her out. “Remember our agreement? Just push me away or say no and I will stop right?” Christen nodded again, she remembered, but she was glad Dani told her again.

“Now before I start it’s important for me to know if anything hurts, if it does I can look at that first.” Christen lifted her head a bit of Tobin’s shoulder, knowing Dani needed to be able to touch her, “my head hurts.” Tobin had grabbed her hand after she had lifted her head off of her shoulder. “It’s good that you told me Christen, I can check your head first. Can you tell me what kind of pain it is?

Christen thought about how she could describe it, “it feels bruised,” she took a deep breath before continuing, “he hit me here” she pointed to the side of her head, just next to her eye. Dani stayed calm when she moved her fingers to the side of her head, her touch was light, it didn’t hurt.”

Christen didn’t want to tell what else hurt and Dani didn’t push, she let Dani check her pulse and her blood pressure before she pushed her away. Christen had asked Tobin to call Dana when they were halfway through, Dani meant well but Christen knew she wasn’t going to be able to tell her what happened.

Dani had told her what her options were but Christen already knew what she wanted to do; she had researched her options after Orlando, but she was too scared to do anything. She wasn’t going to let someone else get away with this.

As soon as Dana arrived Christen felt calmer, not better but calmer. She needed to say it out loud to make it real, “I want to do a rape kit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a fictional story but i feel sorry for doing this to a character, i have reasons though.
> 
> 1) Sexual assault/rape survivors are a known risk group for sexual assault and rape, Christen is part of that group. Predators prey on the "weak" as they say. A lot of victims of sexual assault/rape are insecure and/or nervous in big crowds and predators seek them out for it.  
2) I wanted to show the difference between what happens when someone stays quiet and when someone gets help right away  
3) I feel like i owe it to everyone who has ever had to deal with sexual assault or rape (including myself) to educate people, this is one way to do it.
> 
> This series started out as me writing down my own thoughts and turned into a big thing with a lot of people telling me how it has impacted them. 
> 
> This fic will follow the journey of Christen doing what she wanted to do in Orlando but couldn't (i will write about that in more detail in the coming chapters). It will follow her through the proces of pressing charges and the emotional toll that takes.
> 
> I want to give everyone a few links as well,  
How to help someone who has been raped or assaulted https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-and-relationships/sexual-consent/what-should-i-do-if-i-or-someone-i-know-was-sexually-assaulted  
Tips for first responders (that is everyone who first arrives, not just medical or other help services) https://www.jems.com/articles/print/volume-40/issue-10/features/provide-emotional-first-aid-when-responding-to-sexually-assaulted-patients.html
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/  
If you have useful links with tips or places survivors can go and get help please let me know, i do a lot of research for these fics but i can always use help.


	2. This is what she needed right now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen does a rape kit, Tobin doesn't leave her side. Later she helps Christen feel clean, doing exactly what she wished she could have done for her after Orlando

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the first chapter was a punch in the gut for many (me included) but i hope everyone understands why it was necessary. I will describe the process of a rape kit in this chapter, i don't go into insane detail because honestly it's to hard to write but i will link an article with a more detailed description in the end notes.
> 
> Obviously the trigger warning still applies, there is no description of the rape in this one but it will include a lot of heavy hitting topics so be warned.

Christen was on auto pilot after she had said those words. She heard Dana and Tobin ask if she was sure, she just said “yes” she wasn’t capable of giving longer answers now. She was glad she didn’t have to ride in the ambulance, Dana drove them, Christen was in the backseat, she felt Tobin hold her.

She was rushed through in the hospital, she didn’t have to wait, she didn’t even have to fill out paperwork. She was rushed into a room with pink walls and soft cushions, it didn’t change the fact that she could see the stirrups she knew she would end up in.

The woman who came in would treat her, her name was Jess, Christen didn’t really care, maybe that was rude. Jess explained all the steps and how she could choose to skip steps if she wanted to, she already knew she wouldn’t skip any.

Jess asked if she could tell her what happened? If she could tell her where she was touched? If she had pain anywhere? So many questions.

She could hear Tobin speak but she couldn’t make sense of the words, they weren’t aimed at her anyway. She saw Jess leave; she didn’t know why but she did. She didn’t really register anything that was happening around her, Tobin was talking, she could see her looking at her. She couldn’t tell if Tobin was asking her questions, she could just hear her voice, she turned her head away.

It was silent, Tobin had stopped speaking.

After a few minutes the silence was gone, Christen heard something she hadn’t in weeks, she heard something that was rare, even in the past two months.

She heard Tobin cry, when she turned her head again she could see it, Tobin’s eyes were full of tears. Christen felt something snap inside her, as if someone flipped a switch, no more autopilot.

She pulled Tobin into her lap trying to calm her down, she didn’t know what was wrong, but she was going to find out. “What’s wrong baby?” Tobin let out a loud sob, “I thought I lost you,” Christen looked at her with a confused face, “i have been right here Tobs.” Tobin shook her head, “no you were not, you were gone, I couldn’t see you in your eyes, it was as if someone took your soul.”

Tobin wiped her tears away, “I shouldn’t be crying, I should be here to support you.” Christen pulled her hands away and wiped away the tears herself, “you’re allowed to be emotional; this is not just about me.” Tobin pulled her closer, neither were sure who needed the comfort more at this point, neither cared. “you’re so brave,” Christen looked down at her lap, “I don’t feel brave, i feel weak and insignificant.” Tobin took her hands in hers, you’re the exact opposite of that, you’re here and you’re going to protect so many women by jailing that bastard.”

“yes I’m” Christen thought, this was why she was doing this.

“Why did you send Jess away?” Tobin sighed, “if you’re going to do this Chris I want you to be here for it, you can’t give consent if half of you isn’t here. I don’t want them to do steps you might regret later because your mind isn’t here to say no.” Christen wanted to argue, “I was here, I would have been fine,” it wasn’t true but Christen was at least going to pretend it was. “What was her name?” she gave her a confused look, “I told you, Jess.”

She heard Tobin sigh again, “her name is Nina, she told you when she came in, but you weren’t there.” Christen swallowed, “are you sure?” Tobin gave her a kiss on her cheek, “very sure.”

Christen had let it sink in for a bit, she leaned into Tobin’s side a little more, her head pressed against her shoulder. She felt herself slowly return to reality, “I hate that color,” she had pointed at the pink walls. “Why is that?” She felt Tobin smile into her hair, “because it looks weak and I want to be strong.” Tobin pressed a kiss to her temple, “you’re already the strongest person I know but I will paint over those walls right now if you want me to.”

Christen felt herself smile, “I love you.” She felt Tobin press another kiss to her temple, “l love you to superstar.”

When Christen felt grounded enough she asked Tobin to get Nina, it was time to get this over with.

Nina explained everything again, the process, the steps, that she could stop at any time. Christen had heard her the first time but it felt good to be sure she remembered it all correctly. Nina asked her if she could tell her what happened, she didn’t go into detail, she just told Nina what areas of her body he touched.

The first and second step were easy, Nina asked her to open her mouth, she felt Nina move a swab around, it was over before she really noticed.

The third step was humiliating, she had to undress over some kind of paper “to catch evidence if it falls of your clothing.” Nina helped her put on a gown, so she didn’t have to be naked, it made her feel a little better.

Step four and five didn’t require her to do much, Nina took her clothing and wrapped it up.

Step six took long, it felt like Nina looked at every inch of her body, she collected some things, but she didn’t know what, she didn’t want to know.

Step seven was weird, Nina used a light to shine over her, she used a swap on her thigh, Nina told her why, but she didn’t want to remember.

Step eight was easy, Nina asked her to sit down, Tobin was allowed to hold her. She didn’t really register what Nina did, but she could feel her moving something under her nails. She turned her head to bury it in Tobin’s chest, she felt safer immediately.

Step 9 was fine, Nina asked her to brush her hair, it wasn’t scary.

Step 10 was embarrassing, Nina gave her a little brush and asked her to comb her pubic hair, this was the first time she wanted to stop, so they did. Nina asked her if she needed anything, she shook her head no, she just clung to Tobin. While she did Nina swapped Tobin’s mouth, Nina explained that it was so they wouldn’t confuse Tobin’s DNA with someone else’s.

After 15 minutes Christen slowly got up and did step 10, she hated it, but she wanted to do it.

They skipped step 11, Christen felt okay with skipping that one, it wasn’t necessary and she didn’t want to.

Nina asked her to sit down again so she could explain step 12, 13 and 14. Christen knew what was coming, Nina told her she could do it quickly and that she could stop her at any point. If she wanted to stop she could say no, raise her hand or slap the table and she would stop immediately.

Nina asked her if she wanted to do the steps or skip them, Christen had already decided, she had to do this.

When she got on the table Tobin was allowed to stand next to it and hold her, it helped. Nina was quick with step 12 and 13, she could hardly feel it. Nina asked her if she wanted to continue to step 14, she said yes. She cried for the first time when she felt Nina insert something, it wasn’t the physical pain that made her cry, she could deal with that.

Nina was quick and gentle; it didn’t physically hurt as much as she thought it would. She felt herself break down when Nina moved her legs out of the stirrups, knowing she was done. She curled up on the table and just cried. She felt Tobin wrap her up in strong arms, whispering soft words in her ear. Tobin’s voice was soothing even if she couldn’t comprehend what she was saying.

The rest was a blur, she heard Tobin ask if she wanted to change, she nodded, she wanted out of this gown. She let Tobin do it, she couldn’t move.

She didn’t know whose clothes she was wearing, just that they weren’t hers or Tobin’s. She was wearing soft dark blue jogging pants and a t-shirt, they smelled strange. She felt better when she was suddenly cocooned by the smell of home, Tobin had pulled her hoodie off and put it on her. She traced the roses on the hoodie, there were six.

She buried her nose into the hoodie while she felt Tobin put socks and shoes on her, making sure she was all covered up.

When Tobin helped her of the table she asked if she wanted to stay in the room or go somewhere else. Christen wanted to leave, she never wanted to see those pink walls again.

Tobin moved her to another room, it had green walls, much better. The couch was dark blue like her pants, she let Tobin sit her down, she grabbed a cushion pressing it against herself. Dana was in the room to; she was talking to an older woman with a serious face. She didn’t want to hear what they were saying, she pressed her face into Tobin’s chest, ignoring the sounds around her.

She could hear her name being called; it was Dana. It took her awhile to raise her head, but she did so eventually, she relaxed a bit when she saw Dana, she was the same as always. Dana asked if she could sit next to her, Christen was confused at the request, of course she could, she always did.

“Do you want me to explain what is happening?” Christen slowly nodded her head, she hadn’t paid attention to anything since the exam ended. She didn’t let go of Tobin but she turned her head a bit so she could look at Dana properly. Dana smiled at her; it was the same smile as always.

“Well first off we’re all really proud of you. Nina told us how brave you were, you’re going to help so many people, it’s important that you know that.” Christen felt tears form in her eyes, not because of pain this time but relief, she had done it. She felt Tobin press more kisses to her temple and cheek, she leaned into them, while she waited for Dana to continue.

“We would like you to tell us what you want to do next. No one is going to tell you what to do. Amy would like to speak to you for a bit, but you don’t have to do that now or ever if you don’t want to.” Dana had gestured to the woman she had been talking to, Amy gave her a warm smile when she looked at her. “Who is she?” Christen had asked Dana, she felt a bit bad for not daring to ask Amy herself.

“Amy is a detective; she has been working with the sexual assault team here in Portland for 10 years.” Christen could have probably guessed this herself but she was glad Dana told her. “Do I have to talk to her?” She felt Tobin’s arms tighten a bit around her, “no you don’t, you can decide if you want to. If you do want to talk to her you can decide when, it doesn’t have to be now.”

Christen felt a bit of the pressure on her chest disappear, she didn’t want to talk right now. Dana had probably sensed that because she asked, “what do you want to right now Christen, it can be anything?” Christen felt tears running down her cheeks, “I want to go home and I want to be clean.” She choked out the words, probably making her sound like a child crying out.

She felt Tobin wiping her tears away with a tissue, “than that’s what you can do, do you want to leave now?” Christen felt herself nod but she tensed up immediately when she realized she would have to walk through the hospital.

“I don’t want people to see me.”

She heard Amy talk, her voice was soothing, “I can help with that, I can make sure no one sees you.” Christen looked at her with thankful eyes, “please can you” she said. Amy stood up immediately telling them she would get everything ready for them to leave.

Once Amy had left it was just her, Dana and Tobin. “Is there anything else you need Christen, are you maybe hungry or do you want us to call someone for you?” When Dana asked her, she heard her stomach grumble at the mention of food, Dana gave her a warm smile, “I think that’s a yes to some food right?” Christen felt the corners of her mouth lift off, “yeah.” She looked at Tobin next, “could you maybe let the rest know?”

Tobin didn’t show her surprise, “do you want them to come?” Tobin knew they would if she told them, there was no way of stopping them from coming to Portland and try to help. Christen got shy and hid her face in Tobin’s chest again, “I think I need them,” she mumbled. That was enough for Tobin, she looked at Dana for help, she had no clue how to tell her friends. Fortunately, Dana caught on quick, “what if I call them Christen, would that be alright? Tobin could stay here with you while I make the calls.”

Christen thought about that and nodded, that was better, she didn’t want Tobin to leave and she didn’t want to hear the calls.

Tobin gave Dana a thankful smile before she left the room to call everyone.

They waited in silence, Tobin occasionally pressed a kiss to her cheek or temple, her hand brushed through her hair, she felt herself relax more and more.

Dana came back first, she told her that Kelley and Pinoe would be here tomorrow morning, Ali and Ash would take a flight in the morning and be here before dinner. Christen let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, deep down she knew they would come but she felt relieved anyway.

If you would ask her later she wouldn’t be able to explain how she got out of the hospital. She just remembered Tobin and Dana walking on either side of her while she saw Nina and Amy holding open doors. She didn’t register getting into a car or getting out, the first thing she remembers is Tobin helping her sit down on their couch and offering her a glass of water.

She gulped it down and another, suddenly realizing how thirsty she was. Once she had put down the glass she looked around her for the first time. She saw Tobin’s paintings on the wall, the clothes Tobin always left on the ground and the random assortment of pillows they had picked out together, she was home.

She felt Tobin caress her face, she leaned into it, “what do you need honey?” Christen didn’t need to think, she needed one thing more than anything, “bath.” That was all Tobin needed to hear, to stand up and offer her hand. Christen grabbed it and let Tobin lead her to the bathroom.

Tobin asked what she wanted again when they reached the bathroom, “what do you need me to do Chris?” Christen reached for Tobin’s hands, “help me undress, I want these off.” She had gestured to the clothes, she still didn’t know whose they were, they were comfortable, but they reminded her of what had happened.

Tobin helped her take them off, careful to not hurt her or go to fast. Once all the clothes were gone, Tobin put a robe on her before busying herself with filling the tub. Christen concentrated on the soft feel of the robe, it smelled like home

She could smell lavender and chamomile as well; Tobin had added her favorite bath salts. When Tobin turned around to face her she asked her again what she wanted, Christen told her to stay. She helped her get her robe off when the bath was ready, once the rope was off she helped Christen into the tub.

Christen felt herself relax as soon as she sat down, the warm water felt like a hug, it protected her. Tobin had sat down on a little stool they kept in the bathroom, she kept both her hands clasped around Christens left hand, reminding her that she was here.

“Will you help me wash?” Christens voice was steady but soft, “of course I will.” Tobin had laid out a couple washcloths beforehand, she grabbed one and dipped it into the water. She let Christen guide her hand to her shoulder, she started softly rubbing her clean. Christen let her move her hand from her shoulders down to her arms, paying extra attention to the marks on her wrists.

Christen could feel Tobin move the washcloth back up to her shoulders and down to her chest. She carefully moved the washcloth over and around her breasts before moving down to her stomach. She cleaned every inch of skin. When she was done with her front she moved back up to her shoulders, running the washcloth down her shoulders to her back.

When her whole torso felt clean she moved Tobin’s hands down, she had to stretch to reach down to Christens toes. She had grabbed a new washcloth and followed the same process, carefully moving the washcloth up her legs to her waist. She payed extra attention to the bruises around her waist before looking up at Christen. She wasn’t going to continue unless Christen told her to.

She did so by moving Tobin’s hands to her inner thighs, leaning back a bit to give her more room. Tobin moved the washcloth up and down her thighs before she stopped again, “do you want to stand up for me Chris?” She did without asking why, she stayed in the tub but stood up facing Tobin.

Tobin had stood up to, her eyes didn’t leave Christens when she moved the washcloth down between her legs. She didn’t need to look to know what she was doing and Christen was thankful for it. Tobin’s eyes were full of love, distracting her while Tobin’s hand moved to clean her most intimate areas.

When she was done she pulled the washcloth away, Christens eyes started to fill with tears again, Tobin kissed them all away as they started to fall. After a few minutes Tobin helped her sit down again before she drained the tub and filled it up again with fresh, clean water. She added the bath salts again, knowing it helped with pain relief as well as stress.

The tub had filled up again and Christen had relaxed a bit knowing the worst part was over. She nodded yes when Tobin offered to wash her hair. Tobin used the shower head to rinse her hair first before grabbing her shampoo and conditioner.

She loved the feeling of Tobin massaging her scalp, making sure she would not get any shampoo in Christens eyes. She felt Tobin tilt her head back so she could rinse. Tobin repeated the same process with the conditioner.

When Tobin was done she moved a fresh washcloth to Christens face, being extra gentle around the bruise next to her eye. When she felt like every bit of Christens face was clean she dropped the washcloth with the others.

Christen stayed in the tub for a bit longer, taking in the warmth and comfort she felt. Tobin had left for a minute to get her some clean clothes, taking the reminders of what happened with her. When she came back Christen was ready to get out. She let Tobin dry her off with a soft towel before she helped her put on her underwear, a pair of Tobin’s joggers and her favorite hoodie.

She told Tobin to take a shower, knowing she needed to wash the day off of her as well, while she brushed her teeth. She brushed hard and long wanting to clean every part of her mouth he might have touched.

Tobin had jumped in and out of the shower before Christen even finished brushing her teeth, not wanting to leave her alone for more than a minute.

When they left the bathroom Dana was still there, she wanted to make sure she couldn’t do anything else for her before she left. When Christen had assured she had everything for now Dana left. She told them she would leave her phone on if they needed her during the night or before she would come back in the morning.

Tobin had asked Kling to get them food, Tobin didn’t tell her what happened, she didn’t have to. Kling didn’t need a reason to help them out, she just did. Tobin opened the door and took the food from her before giving her a hug to thank her, she waved it away telling her she was here if they needed her.

They ended the day on the couch wrapped up in a big blanket, cuddled close together while eating French fries and burgers. Tobin had put on 101 dalmatians, Christen was happy to block everything out for a moment, tomorrow was another day, this is what she needed right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was emotional....  
This is probably the hardest chapter i have written so far because i desperately want to get it right. I don't want to scare people but i also don't want to give a false sense of reality, a rape kit is not pleasant no matter how great the people are who treat you. The steps i described are real, as are the way they are taken. No one will do anything you don't want to do during a rape kit and you can stop or skip a step if you feel like you need to, no one will judge you for that.
> 
> This is an article that describes the steps in more detail for anyone who needs it or wants to educate themself, it also explain step 12 (11 in this story) for anyone who wants to know since i skipped it https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/what-is-a-rape-kit
> 
> And just a little explanation on the clothes. After a rape kit women in a lot of places are given clothes if they need it since their own clothes get taken in as evidence.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


	3. They weren't gentle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen wakes up the morning after and is surprised by how good she feels. Pinoe and Kelley come by and keep her distracted before meeting with Dana and the police. Ali and Ash come by later as well, they end the day just like Christen wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of this story, oop.
> 
> Never thought i would say this in this series but this is actually fluffy, yes you did read that right, fluffy.  
Trigger warning is still in effect i guess since this is still rape aftermath but this isn't heavy hitting like the other chapters or stories.

Christen was surprised when she woke up and saw beams of sunshine coming through the gaps in the curtains, it was morning. She tried to remember waking up in the middle of the night, but her mind was blank. 

She felt Tobin attached to her back, she hadn’t let go during the night, her grip was tight but Christen didn’t mind, it felt safe and warm. After a couple minutes she knew she had to get up, she was a morning person and she wanted to get her day started. She managed to untangle herself from Tobin without waking her up, she wanted Tobin to get her sleep.

She wasn’t surprised when she looked in the mirror and she saw a large dark blue bruise next to her eye, covering her temple. It didn’t really hurt unless she touched it. She saw the bruises on her wrists to, they weren’t as big, she could probably hide them under her sleeves. When she undressed further she saw more bruises, some smaller, some a little bigger than the ones on her wrists. 

She felt pain between her legs when she lifted up a leg to pull of her pants, she chose to ignore it. When she got in the shower she scrubbed her skin as hard as the bruises would let her. Tobin had been gentle last night and it had been enough to make her feel clean, but now she needed to forcefully scrub her skin clean.

She stayed in the shower for 30 minutes, scrubbing every inch of her body before she shaved every hair on her body that wasn’t on her head. When she got out she moisturized and brushed her teeth, she was clean and he was gone. 

She meditated and did her yoga; it was her way of reclaiming the control she felt was taken from her. She hadn’t done it after Orlando, she had been to upset and hurt to do anything, while also being exhausted for trying to pretend nothing had happened. 

She used Yoga to do the same exercises Dana had told her about weeks ago. She was the one moving her hands, she was the one positioning her legs, she was the one using her core to maintain her balance. She took longer than usual; she felt the pain in her muscles and the pain from the bruises, but she carried on. Working through the pain made her feel strong. 

Tobin had come in halfway through, she let her know she was there, but she didn’t interrupt. 

When she was done she walked over to where Tobin was sitting on the couch, she was still wearing the hoodie and shorts she had worn to bed. She climbed into her lap burying her head into Tobin’s neck, she loved morning cuddles. Tobin held her close, pressing kisses anywhere she could reach. Christen giggled when Tobin kissed a particularly tickly spot on her neck. 

They were forced out of there little bubble when they heard the doorbell ring. Tobin got up to open the door and let Dana in, she had promised to come by in the morning. 

Tobin had gone to make coffee and change, leaving Dana and Christen alone for a bit. 

“How are you feeling Christen?” Dana had sat down next to her, “I feel fine I think, that’s weird right?” She gave Dana a questioning look, “why would that be weird?” Christen was pretty sure Dana already knew the answer, “shouldn’t I be crying or buried under a blanket somewhere?” 

Dana smiled at her, “the only thing you need to do is what you want to do, there is not one correct way to feel.” Christen just nodded before she saw Tobin walk over with coffee for them both. Tobin sat down next to her pressing a kiss to her cheek, Christen smiled at the gesture. “I know I need to talk about what happened, but could we do it later today and maybe not here?” Christen had thought about it, this was home and this wasn’t the place she wanted to talk. This had to be the place where she could ignore or block out everything. 

“Of course, I made sure my day was free, when you think you would want to talk.” It might be weird for some but Christen liked that she could plan when she would talk, it made her feel in control. “I was thinking 3 pm? Ali and Ash will be here around 6 pm so I would like to be home before that.” Dana gave her another smile, “3 pm works for me, do you want to come to my office or meet somewhere else?” 

Christen told her the office was the right place. “Would you mind calling Amy to? I don’t know yet if I want to talk to her but maybe she could tell me what my options are?” She felt Tobin pull her closer, cuddling into her back, “of course I can, I think it’s very smart of you to ask her about your options.” Christen gave her a slight smile, she didn’t necessarily want to talk to Amy, but she needed to know what her options were. She wanted to make the right decision on how to handle this.

Dana left soon after, they would see each other that afternoon. 

Pinoe and Kelley arrived at 10, Christen got up to hug them both, she was so thankful her friends came. They didn’t ask for details, Dana had told them as much as they needed to know, “Christen was raped, she is safe now, she wants her friends close.” 

They hung out on the couch watching weird tv shows, Kelley making them all laugh by imitating the talk show hosts. This is exactly what she needed, she leaned back into Tobin while laughing at Kelley trying to imitate Whoopie Goldberg on the View. She sounded more like a frat boy on drugs. 

Pinoe chimed in trying to imitate Sharon Osbourne until Tobin informed her that she was a host on the Talk not the View. That led to Tobin being stared at for knowing that and Kelley jumping on her to try and find out when Tobin started watching daytime talk shows. 

The pair ended up on the ground, Kelley trying to tickle the truth out of her and Tobin hopelessly trying to kick her off of her. Pinoe and Christen just watched on and laughed, something Tobin would later call “cruel and neglectful.” Tobin gave in after 20 minutes, “they cover some great topics alright,” she said it while blushing which turned into a pout when they kept laughing at her. 

Christen pulled her into her lap, “poor baby” she said, but she didn’t stop laughing. She gave Tobin a kiss which turned her pout into a smile. “Ugh just get married already,” Kelley told them.

The afternoon went by in similar fashion. Tobin almost broke her neck while trying to escape Kelley’s wrath (she had called her a squirrel kebab). Kelley fell off the couch twice while they watched Mulan (“she is just awesome okay, she SAVED China!”) And Pinoe ended up in a headlock after telling Kelley that Sue was prettier than her girlfriend. 

Christens mind was occupied, she loved her friends for distracting her and making her feel happy. 

When it was time to leave to go to Dana, Tobin wouldn’t back down, Christen didn’t want her to sit in. Her sessions with Dana were something she did on her own, Tobin had never sat in. It took them 10 minutes to find a compromise, Tobin would take her (“you’re not going out alone”) but she would sit in the waiting room. If Christen called her she was allowed to come in, if she didn’t Tobin would wait until the session was over.

Christen didn’t call for her, one time the door opened and Tobin jumped up, but it was just to let Amy in. When Christen came out Tobin could see she had cried but she didn’t look sad, she looked relieved. She walked up to Tobin and sat down next to her on the couch to bury her face in Tobin’s ever-present hoodie. 

Christen didn’t cry, she just needed to feel and smell Tobin, she was home, there was no place she was safer. She felt herself calm down in minutes before lifting her head up and giving Tobin a kiss, “thank you for coming with me.” 

“Always baby”

In the car Christen told her about what Amy had told her about the options she had. She could choose not to press charges and not have the rape kit processed but based on what had happened the state would probably still charge him. 

For Christen It was clear, she wasn’t going to leave anything to chance, she was going to put him away. She was going to press charges and have the rape kit processed, with that and the witness statements Amy told her he would go to prison. She smiled when Amy told her he had been arrested on the scene but had to be taken to the hospital, Christens saviors hadn’t been gentle with him. She couldn’t tell her the nature of his injuries but Christen didn’t care, the bastard was in pain and she didn’t mind that one bit.

She had asked Amy if she could contact the 3 guys and the woman who had saved her. Amy promised her to reach out to them and let her know if they were open to it. They talked some more about what would happen after the bastard was charged. Christen knew she would have to inform her friends and family beforehand, not to mention the fans. She wasn’t looking forward to it but the thought of the press finding out and leaking it was terrible. 

Christen felt tired when Tobin had parked the car and helped her out, the days emotions catching up to her. She walked into a surprise, Ali and Ash had arrived early. She teared up when she saw Ali and let out a sob when she crushed her into a hug, she had missed her so much. 

When ash stroked her thumb lightly over the large bruise on her face she saw the anger in her eyes, ever the protector. She was pulled into another crushing hug, when she told Ash what the guys that saved her had done to the bastard. “I still wished I could have done it, but at least he didn’t get away with it.” Christen smiled at her, Ash could sound so tough when she wanted to be, but she was a teddy bear really.

They ate dinner on the couch, Kelley and Ash sat on the ground, 6 feet away from each other, where they were least likely to get into trouble. Christen was cuddled into Ali’s side, she had missed her calming and secure presence. Tobin was on her other side, her hand never leaving Christens. When she saw the picture Pinoe had taken a day later, she knew this was going to be the picture that would accompany her message to the fans.

The journey wasn’t over, but she was surrounded by her friends and the love of her life and that made all the difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo whatya think? 
> 
> I wanted to end this story on a positive note, i think we all deserve that. 
> 
> I didn't delve to deep in the legal stuff, i did the research and realized that a lot differs from state to state so i didn't want to give out information that would be true in one state and false in another. I made this into a pretty clear cut situation, why? Because i don't have all the information about everything legal and i didn't want to make it into something very complex to then get it wrong. I do want to give you guys this link, it has a lot of info (on legal and other things) and also has a crisis hotline you can contact https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-expect-criminal-justice-system
> 
> I didn't include the talk Christen had with Dana mostly because this time as opposed to the Orlando story you already know what happened. I also wanted to keep this chapter happy because it's not all doom and gloom, life still goes on even after you have gone through something terrible and it can still be fun.
> 
> Next story will be about Christen informing her friends, family and the fans. I will probably do a separate chapter for each. 
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


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